Silenced
Wow. 6 months into this chapter of my life. 6 months away from home. Away from my family. Away from all the things I thought I knew. 6 months living a crazy life. Living with another family. 6 months learning just how much I have no idea who I am. If you are expecting to read a post about the amazing day to day life of living as a “missionary” in Haiti, I'll let you know now, this isn't your post. This post will be about the reality of a life lived. I have only been here for 6 months. Only lived in Haiti for almost two years. Not a ton of time, but enough to know that I have no idea what I am doing.
I remember when I realized God was calling me to Haiti. I remember what I thought it meant to be a missionary. I wanted to collect all these supplies, raise all this money, send all these kids to school. I did that. Successfully. I believe it was used for the glory of God but that is NOT missions. A mission is Life. Learning and failing. Teaching from the failure and growing with the people who God has surrounded you with. What I have learned most of all so far in this role as a missionary, is that the purpose for the mission isn't necessarily for the people in the area you are called, it is for God to reveal who He is in YOU. Before you begin to think that is selfish, let me explain. The Haitian people have changed my life and heart more I feel I could ever change theirs. Missionary. The Haitian people and the environment in which I live with them has brought me closer to Christ and The Kingdom than any words, amount of money, or handouts could ever bring them. What I have learned about being a missionary here, is the mission isn't about what you do, it's about how you react. What we do is fruit, yes but how we react is fruitful. The school is where my eyes were opened to what missions really look like. I came expecting to simply teach English. Do what I love and I believe I am gifted in as a service. What that has turned into is investment. Seeing each student as more than just someone who wants to succeed but someone who has talents and gifts. Someone who has desires and a purpose just like anyone else. Investing has become more the call than teaching. To invest is to nurture and build confidence in the ones I am teaching. To invest means not to simply do my job and teach English, it is to listen and hear their heart cry when they are hurting. Reach out and show love then if English is taught in the process, so be it.
6 months of saying no. Saying no to giving money, food, and clothes. This may sound harsh and selfish to anyone who has grown up believing that when the Bible says to give it means these things. But 6 months of saying no means to me, relationships, growth, unity, and Kingdom. Saying no has allowed Christ to provide the yes. Learning to say no was so hard. It was excruciating because everything about how we have trained our minds is that a no is a denial and a denial is not love. False. Not only saying no to the things mentioned above, but saying no to thoughts, false concepts of Christ, schedules, plans, expectations and even realities. So much of the past 6 months has had little to do with the typical mission work, yet more fruit has been seen and experienced than is explainable in words. Where I started? Within myself.
I have learned that the things that have been used to define me are all characteristics that God intends for good. But by satan and his lies and voices feeding these characteristics in a negative manner I shy away from them. I hide them and punish myself rather than growing them the way they were intended to be. People label me a people pleaser. God calls that unconditional love. The difference? How it's used. How it's grown. People label me talkative. God calls that a teacher. The difference? How it's used. How it's grown. Many of the labels we are given are gifts that have been manipulated to get us to fear or become prideful. I label myself a failure. God calls that a desire to succeed. I see the wrong decisions and mistakes reasons that I have failed and God sees the heart to do the right the thing even if my view is cloudy or unfinished. A few weeks ago the Lord gave me these words:
A failure is not defeat.
I want to BE more than I want to HAVE
I want to BE TRUSTED more than I want to TRUST
I want to SERVE more than I want to BE SERVED
I want to BE USED more than I want to BE LIKED
I want to LISTEN more than I want to be HEARD
I want to LOVE more than I want to BE LOVED
I want to UNDERSTAND more than I want to be UNDERSTOOD
What this revealed to me, was that yes, I was always trying to please people, co-dependent. What I learned though is that the desire to please people isn't what was wrong. It was how I went about that. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that we are not to please people, that is not our goal. Paul reminds of that in Galatians 1:10, but we are called to serve people. This is where I couldn't draw the line. This is where I lacked the strength and knowledge to create a boundary. God revealed this in more depth when He gave me these words:
My fear of failure isn't that God will punish me, it is my desire to make Him proud. To not disappoint Him. I don't fear that my father will disown or disapprove of me in my failure. He knows I want to please Him. I want Him to know I love Him. That my decisions and actions are, most of the time, all to show Him that I am thinking of Him and how He would be pleased by that. This mindset causes me to react this way with all people, especially the ones I want to express my dear love and respect for. Doing this, however, distracts me from loving Christ because I no longer ask, “How would this please Christ?” but instead to, “How would this please (insert name here...)?” The fault is not in my desire to please, it is in where that desire takes me. I have confused pleasing God with pleasing people. I need to shift back to Christ. Loving people is loving Christ: YES. But, pleasing people is not pleasing Christ. Pleasing is not loving and loving is not (always) pleasing. Focus on loving Christ to please Him and then love people to again please CHRIST. The call is not to please, it is to love and teach. Humility is also something mistaken and distorted. Humility has been manipulated to mean to submit to all to please. Wrong. Humility is not always going to please the people you humble yourself to. But it will ALWAYS please the Lord. Being humble is not pleasing people, it is obeying God. To love HIM. Knowing how much GOD THE FATHER and even my earthly father believe in me, makes me want to accomplish what THEY believe I can. That's my desire. That's my fight. Not my failure. To succeed in the potential God has and is speaking over me.
What a beautiful and liberating truth.
The one thing though that I had claimed over myself that I couldn't find deliverance from even in that truth was the label of me being chatty. Too talkative. This led me to a time of fasting from speaking. Believe it or not, I went two days without talking. Man did my mind get LOUD. What I learned, in short, is that what I have to say isn't wrong or too much, it simply won't be received based on where I am at and who I am with or it is not time to reveal what has been revealed to me. Patience.
He knows my thoughts and observations are valid and He knows that the moments in which the thoughts come to me may not be the appropriate time to share them. He knows when and if they will be received or understood. He has silenced me to bring me to talk to Him about it because He won't turn me down or tell me I'm wrong. He'll never disrespect me for the conclusions I have. He guides me deeper because He knows I want truth. He knows that different is not wrong. My perspective is valid even if it's not the whole picture. That is OKAY. He wants me to be confident in what I learn and am learning because He can see I won't camp out where I am. I will keep pursuing more. He knows I am willing to lay down what I know or what I think I know and my confidence in that in order to grow. He knows. He wants me silent to bring it to Him to help grow my confidence. He knows that others don't see my heart. He also knows if others are ready to hear what He has revealed. Sometimes when we hear something we don't understand or have our own opinion on, we don't receive it and can cause the one sharing the information to lose confidence. We can unknowingly or knowingly shoot someone down simply because we don't understand. The Lord knows when sharing will hurt us even if the hurt wasn't intended. He knows if the ones I am sharing with will see my fight for confidence. Or if they will only see my perspective as wrong or different. Unwilling to receive because they don't see how or why I know what I know. I need to stop throwing my pearls (the wisdom and knowledge God is revealing), to the swine (the people who are unwilling to hear or see something different or not ready for that truth).
Jesus is who I need to confide in. Silence my voice and strengthen my heart and ears. He knows it's not time for me to speak who I am and what Christ is in me because ears won't hear it. Plus I am still growing. It's not time. I need silenced. To wait. To be patient. Continue to fight. Be a warrior. I learned I don't have to explain myself. It is not my job to make people believe or receive. It is my job to walk in what I know and then keep walking.
My gifts are not a burden to bare, they are a freedom to share.
Sometimes my opinion will not be received because it is not wanted. It's different. I am willing to seek clarity rather than concede and deny my observations and boundaries. A different perspective is not bad or wrong, it's the perception in which it is received. Receiving a different perspective is not to denounce or deny your own belief, it is simply to acknowledge there's more than one view. But refusal to listen is wrong. Revelation 4:8 speaks of four beings covered in eyes who day and night never cease to say “Holy, Holy, Holy Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come.” God brought this picture to me with this revelation: If the angels surrounding the throne are covered in eyes and constantly and forever seeing a new characteristic and perspective of God, wouldn't it be foolish to believe we should all have the same idea of God with our human eyes and mind? It is not my job to define who God is, it is my job to portray who He is in me and for me to learn who He is in others so He can define HIMSELF. It is not my job to define Him but rather display and discover Him. It is my job to live out what He reveals to me while others do the same so as the body of Christ, we work together for Him to reveal Himself. The body. The church. I can't define Christ but He defines me. I don't have to explain myself, I just have to obey.
Philippians 3:15-16 reaffirmed this for me: “Therefore, let all of us who are mature think this way. And if you think differently about anything, God will reveal this also to you. In any case, we should live up to whatever truth we have attained.”
I am not convicted in my vocalization anymore, now I am strengthened. I am grown. I am encouraged and challenged to seek more truth. A different perspective doesn't bring conviction, it pushes me to learn and pursue knowledge and understanding. I have learned there should be no shame in voicing my opinions even if they are different. I shouldn't feel ashamed or less than if I disagree with something or someone. I want to learn truth even if that means I am wrong. Even if that means I have been wrong my whole life. I want truth. I want to be RIGHTEOUS rather than RIGHT. I want to be SILENT, not SILENCED. My voice is not anyone's for the taking. I do not lack something simply because someone fails to see it in me. The most valuable treasures are usually hidden.
All these thoughts were not brought about by any specific person, situation or event. They came about after 6 months of battling my deepest oppression. They came about from many conflicts, victories, and trials. They came about from learning that I am not who I thought I was or was supposed to be. I am who He says I am. I am in Him. He is I AM. I am Destined 2 Be.
This is my personal testimony from the last 6 months. Some of the things that contributed to this observation and lesson are things along the lines of new life, death, persecution, deliverance, oppression, successes, failures, joys, pain and hope. In the past 6 months I have witnessed many new births. Babies born in the House of Prayer. Families brought here to witness the birth and help with concerns. In that, I have witnesses a baby be born, only to lose his life that same day. I watched a mother who had just received a child come to check on him only to find out that we couldn't do anything more to save him. I have witnessed a man, overcome by a spirit. Yes it's real. Watching this man have no control of himself, bound to this oppression. I watched as the faith of the bystanders as well as myself was tested as we took a step of faith to lay hands on him and pray. I have seen into the spiritual realm by God's power to see the oppression of my own heart and mind. I witnessed a deliverance of my own spirit of fear, in which I believe has allowed me to receive the truths I discussed above. I have witnessed and endured persecution from the students I am here to serve. I have witnessed pride trample humility yet humility prevailed. I have witnessed ungratefulness in response to Grace yet Grace prevailed. I have witnessed miracles that have no explanations. The past 6 months scream Jesus Christ. The past 6 months I have watched the Kingdom come to Gran Vid. The spirit has fallen so heavily on this community.
My original plan was to come and teach for one year. That is what I thought I was called to do. Now I am here and realized that coming to teach does nothing for them but coming and investing, does everything. I learned that coming for a short time, such as a year, teaching then leaving only becomes a task and it hurts hearts that have a desire for trust and relationships. My plan now, I have no idea. I know that I will not be leaving when my year is up. I know that I will continue to teach English and take more responsibilities as an administrator, not as a 'missionary' but as someone making an investment in these lives for the Kingdom. What that will require: many more no's, more births, more deaths, more deliverance, more revelations, more persecution, and more hope. I don't know what my future holds regarding Haiti, COHH and teaching but I do know that this is not my destination, it is a check point. God has revealed a bigger picture to encourage me that He is not done growing me. He is not done revealing himself in and through me. He has more in store with the gift of teaching than I can comprehend.
I wish I had the words, time and space to describe each event I mentioned. I wish I could transfer the unity and wholeness in the spirit that is felt and experienced through this post but I can't. I can only pray that as you read, to the best of your ability see and feel and receive what He is doing here. Not only see it as something He is doing here but know and believe and pursue the truth that He is doing this everywhere! He wants every person, place, and church to experience His revelations and truth. He is bringing the Kingdom and is asking us to prepare a place for Him and walk in the eternal. Eternity is not a futuristic thing, it is now. It has already begun. You are Destined 2 B.
If you desire to hear more in depth the circumstances and situations encountered this past 6 months, please contact me. I would love to have a Q&A. Thanks for taking time to read this. May God Bless you!