Beauty from Brokenness

Beauty from Brokenness is such a cliche, right? Everyone seems to cling to this phrase or some variation of it. Even to the point we roll our eyes when we hear it and find every excuse to think it is a false hope. I was actually a skeptic to this phrase. I hated hearing people say this to me as a way to encourage me. How could my brokenness, my mistakes, my sin and failure bring beauty? I have to be whole again to bring beauty. I have to be ‘fixed.’ I didn’t even use this expression to encourage my friends and family because I had such a hard time believing it. However, becoming a stepmom to two wonderful girls made it much easier to believe and even cling to.  

The photo for this blog is incredibly special. I have two step daughters, Haley is my oldest and Riley is my youngest. Haley drew this picture. She loves art and is definitely gifted in it. Riley is also very good at art and crafts, however, she wasn’t quite interested in taking part just yet. She will get there. So, I asked Haley to paint a picture of how she sees our blended family. This is what she drew. A broken pot with a beautiful flower. You may see great symbolism or creativity, but I see a story. The story of not only our family, but the story specifically of me and Haley. Brokenness created our family. Love is growing something beautiful from it. Before continuing, Haley has given me permission to share my side of this story. I will leave out certain details simply because they are hers to share, not mine. She has read this and approved of all the details given.

Me and Haley started off VERY rocky. I have known her for 10 years but have only really been present for about five of those years. Her dad and I met and dated in 2012. Our relationship ended and we went our separate ways. I look forward to sharing our love story in detail one day, but for now, I am focusing on me and Haley. After the breakup, her dad and I stayed in contact and would occasionally get together. I would get to see Haley and Riley, have sleepovers with them and their cousins, see their dance performances, do their hair for school picture day and things like that. This went on for about 6 years. During that time I was always greeted by her with a huge hug and her screaming, “BRITTANY,” while running into my arms. But after those six years, when I was reintroduced as the ‘girlfriend,’ she had just turned 13. I was not greeted with that hug, I wasn’t greeted at all. In her eyes, I was THE enemy. 

My husband and I reached a point that if me being around was really hurting her this much, maybe we shouldn’t be together. We talked about it alot. I don’t know if you have ever had to look at a person you love so deeply and be willing to walk away for the sake of a child, but it was not fun or easy. But, it was also how I discovered the level of love that I had for Haley and Riley. After some time we realized the root of some of her feelings towards me and that they weren’t actually towards me, I was just the target, so we began to address this as we moved forward in our relationship and got married. She was not happy with this. This was HARD. I don’t just mean a couple bad days, it was hours and days of difficult discussions, fights, arguments, and tears. Our mending began with me making her tell me EVERYTHING she hated about me personally and about me being in the home. I gave her permission to literally say WHATEVER she felt. I gave her a safe place where she could not and would not get in trouble for anything she said to answer that question. I was terrified. As the words left my mouth, I was wishing I could catch them and unsay them. What was I thinking? Can I really handle what she is going to say? I am already questioning myself and my presence here, how in the world is this going to help?  

I only gave her a few moments before following her up to her room and letting this discussion begin. I asked the question again, reluctantly, and I saw her wall break. She began to cry and tell me how I was ruining her life. But this time, she wasn’t being hateful or attacking. She was being vulnerable. She was exposing her brokenness. Through that initial discussion, we discussed the things hurting her and bothering her. Some of the things she brought up, we were able to change, while others we agreed to work together on because they weren’t able to be changed. This was when the seed of our relationship was finally planted. Things were never the same after this. We had an open and honest conversation as often as possible to discuss anything she needed to. If something made her mad, she was allowed to express it with no repercussions given that she respected my response. 

We have obviously butted heads at times because she is now fifteen, going on twenty-five. We don’t always agree and sometimes the rules or responsibilities in the home aren’t her favorite thing. But, what she is teaching me is that sometimes, there are things I need to change, and sometimes there are things she needs to change and then there are things that neither of us can change, we just need to work it out and keep moving forward. We help each other now. She is making me a better person. A better mom. We deal with the changes together. She is strong, loving, kind, smart, talented, and filled with so much joy, and… she’s been broken. Her brokenness paired with my brokenness has grown together into a relationship I never could have dreamed of. It has exceeded all of my expectations and we are only three years into this blended family culture. 

When I see that drawing, I see my past self growing from my brokenness. I see Haley growing from her brokenness. I see our relationship as stepmother and stepdaughter, growing from a broken beginning. I see a family growing from brokenness. This growth has also brought conviction. Anytime I choose to believe the lie that beauty can’t come from brokenness, I am choosing to believe that for Haley as well. I can’t look at her and not be reminded of healing and beauty from brokenness. Every text from her, every hug, every ‘I love you,’ every devotion time, every argument, every smile is a reminder of the brokenness we overcame and are still overcoming. We by no means have ‘arrived,’ but we are growing. I look forward to sharing more and more about our relationship as it grows. It is so unique. So deeply true. Some of my brokenness in our relationship was a result of becoming a stepmom in the first place. There is quite a bit of stigma behind step-family relationships and it’s a daily battle to overcome. I am a “childless stepmom” in the sense that I have not birthed a child. I have watched my sister become a mother to two little girls and my brother is about to be a first time dad. I see the love my nieces have for my sister and watch my sister with them. She is a mom. I actually believed that since I didn’t have that, I wasn’t and couldn’t be a mom. LIE. MEGA LIE. People would even tell me that I don’t know what it means to be a mom because they aren’t actually mine. Talk about pain. Not just for me, but my girls heard people say that. It created so much confusion. How do I express to them that there are parts of motherhood that I don’t understand because I haven’t lived them but I am absolutely, 100% invested in them as my girls. Not taking away any value of their biological mom, but just another woman who loves and cherishes them and would do anything for them. That’s a difficult concept for ANYONE. 

The astounding truth the Father revealed to me is, a mother’s love is unconditional. When a woman gives birth to a child, there is an unexplainable love and attachment to the child. It was literally part of her body for 9 months. The love and connection is not learned or earned, and though some days there is choice involved, the choice is typically easy. For a stepmom, for me, the love, connection, and trust was not natural. I had to earn their trust and it is a daily goal. Each day, these two girls are watching me, seeing if I am still present, am I still showing love, am I available for them. Every day, love looks different and it is absolutely a CHOICE. These two girls will not naturally love me, they will develop love for me. Same with me loving them. Anytime I want to believe that I am not capable of being a mom because I did not birth my girls, I am reminded that when they say they love me, they have chosen it. They have knocked down a wall in their heart to let me in. They didn’t have to. The world actually tells them NOT to love me as a stepmom. Yet, we have overcome and we are full of love. 

Just like the flower in the pot, the flower will not grow on its own. It needs sun and water. Eventually, it will even need a new pot because it will outgrow it. We were broken, planted in LOVE, cared for with honesty and understanding and will eventually be replanted in an unbroken pot because our love will grow so deep and so big. The very thing that broke me because of lies is what is growing into something beautiful; being a stepmom. Beauty will come from brokenness.