Another Year
I recently celebrated my 31st birthday. I was expecting to feel old, panic at my age, notice wrinkles and gray hair and question my purpose. It seems like everyone I talk to who is beginning to celebrate their 30’s reacts in this way. Not me. I am so excited for my 30’s. My 30th year came to an end and what a year it was. I am a wife, mom and aunt. This year I was blessed with another nephew and niece. My kids have soared in their education and activities. Me and my husband have experienced victories over life challenges. My family experienced loss, received unfortunate news, and struggled at times during this past year. But here I am. Happy, healthy, loved, and blessed.
I used to believe I had something to achieve in each stage of life. We all have these unspoken expectations based on the atmosphere we find ourselves in. On my birthday, I reflected on these expectations that might be controlling my mind. At this point in life, where did I expect myself to be? I realized that these expectations shifted throughout the years. I used to think that by the time I was 30 I would have birthed 2 or 3 children, be a seasoned teacher, married, have a forever home, involved in church and ministry and have visited so many places. Another set of expectations I had was to be single, living in a foreign country alongside the natives of that country, fostering and/or adopting children and introducing them to missions and serving. I had a dream of traveling the country speaking about missions, trafficking, leading worship, and serving without actually having a place to call home. I quickly realized that most of the hardships, dark seasons and fights were based on these unspoken expectations I put on myself. In the midst of all these thoughts and past desires, it would have been easy for me to become sad that most of my expectations weren’t met. It would have been a prime time for the enemy to attack my mind and make me feel defeated and deemed a failure. Thank goodness for the Holy Spirit!
My mind quickly became flooded with the truth of where I am at. I have an adoring, loving, patient, kind, strong, and handsome husband who makes me a better person every single day. I have two daughters who although not birthed from me, are so much a part of me. They challenge me and show me my shortcomings. My husband and I are blessed with good jobs that provide for our family. I have family close by. We have the opportunity to experience life in so many ways.
Since this moment of realization, I've only dwelled on this deeper. Expectations truly run my life. They run my thoughts, attitude, responses, and emotions. They are so sneaky. It's incredibly easy to justify expectations as trying to do your best, growing, being accountable and responsible for your part. Sound familiar? It wasn't until recently I discovered that I hide behind expectations instead of embracing life moments. It's so much more than saying no to things and people. It's very much saying yes as well. Sometimes, personally my hardest response, it's saying NOTHING. I am far from being good at that one. It's a great thing we have a patient Father. My goal is to stop reaching for expectations placed on me, most of the time by myself! I'm beginning to ask myself, what does the Father expect of me? Nine times out of ten, I hear, "Be available. Have a willing heart." So very vague yet so incredibly intentional.
Now here we are, I'm 31 and the holidays have now passed and it was our third holiday season as a family. It was the best season. Holidays are so hard. You have your home's traditions and expectations that you're trying to establish. You have your parents and siblings traditions and expectations to uphold, you have your spouse's family's traditions and expectations to uphold. Let's not forget we are a blended family so all of our time is shared with a parent not directly involved with us. It's a mess. But this year, we had freedom.
Be available. Have a willing heart.
We had openness. We broke away from the condemnation of not carrying out every single tradition. We lived a joyous season. We were available to our extended family but we were willing to miss traditions and risk upsetting those around us. It was still a busy time but by making ourselves available and not expected, the days didn't drag on. We didn't feel overwhelmed and defeated. We had so much laughter and time to reflect on each moment of our family time. My favorite part was the day my family of four got to celebrate our Christmas. I couldn't sleep. I was so anxious. We felt like a family. A REAL family.
I got up early and had a cup of coffee and spent some time with Jesus. My heart overflowed with gratitude for the year we had. There were some terrible things that happened but we were so blessed. The evidence of God is astounding. I sat there journaling with a great big grin, counting down the minutes I could go get the girls and Kelsey. That morning I felt no expectations. I wasn't worried if I bought enough or got the right presents. I stopped thinking about how it wasn't actually Christmas morning. I made my heart available for the good of that day and was willing to drop my worries and truly see that day. It was the best day.
Christmas came and went and we prepared for the new year! 2023! What?! One of the practices we started in our home when we became a family was we pray for God to give us a word for the year. I got this idea from a great friend of mine. It was no surprise my word was available. This year, I will be available. But being available has the responsibility of me continuing to let go of expectations.
Available. Make my heart available to my daughters as they grow this year no matter what kind of day I've had. Available. Make my attention available to my husband no matter how much needs done around the house. Available. Take a moment to text a friend, give up an evening at home to have dinner with a friend, offer to babysit for a momma who just needs some time to remember who she is. Available. Most of all, make myself, all of me, available to the Holy Spirit. Wake up early to spend alone time with the Father. Choose gratitude over my anxieties. Available. Availability equals freedom for me.
What's your word this year? What expectations are running through your mind and life? Unspoken, unrealistic expectations are thieves to joy. Claim your joy and break free!