Mother's Day 2023
What goes through your mind when you think about Mother’s Day? Are you overwhelmed with obligation? Have we made this day into a numb ritual? I will be honest and say that I have. Even to the point that if the gifts I received from my step daughters weren’t thoughtful and just last minute, “this will do,” gifts, then I was failing as a mom. It’s the only logical reason right? NO. I am guilty of making last minute gift purchases but for no other reason than not knowing how to express what I feel towards the woman that keeps it all running. Understanding my perspective on this helps me appreciate and understand my kids.
This day. Mother’s Day. I find it so interesting how we celebrate this day. We want our kids to celebrate us but that USUALLY means our husbands helping our kids celebrate us. Our husbands have the opportunity to express what they see as the mother of their children, while also encouraging and even challenging their kids to see the beauty of a mother’s responsibilities in daily life. It’s an opportunity to teach gratitude for the unspoken expectations of being a mother. Then, we have adult mothers who still have mother’s of their own. They want to love their mom’s on this day and celebrate them in a whole new light. This is an opportunity for the mom to show her kids how she celebrates her own mom. So without lessening the value of this day for Mother’s, I want to suggest the idea that Mother’s day is more about marriages, kids, and family.
I was thinking about Mother’s day coming up and trying to really think and pray about how I expect Mother’s day to be celebrated. I tried to take away all the expectation of what we have made it look like; took away my “wants” and even my “needs” and really just questioned all of it. I became overwhelmed. My heart was so full. I am not a biological mother. But I am a mom to two teenagers. I became a mom the day I married my husband, he made me a mom. But I also became a mom the day my daughters ACCEPTED and TRUSTED me. Until then, I was just a mother figure, it was THEM who made me a mom. I didn’t get to feed them all hours of the night. I didn’t get to change their diapers, watch them learn to roll over and crawl. I didn’t hear their first words, or see them take their first steps. I didn’t celebrate their first lost tooth, first day of school, or most of their birthdays to this point. But, I have held them when they cried, celebrated when they won, comforted when they lost, explained when they were confused, helped with homework, taken care of them when they were sick, and loved them even when it was so so hard. I couldn’t wrap my mind around all these things. I still can’t. What I would do for these girls. Like I said before, I was overwhelmed.
I began to realize that my kids didn’t OWE me anything for Mother’s day. I don’t NEED anything from them to know my place in their life. The gifts are always appreciated but I never want them to feel obligated to get me something simply because it’s the day to do so. Would I like the day off from cooking, making plans, or even having to explain what I would want? Sure. Most mother’s would agree. But I want to do it differently. On Mother’s Day, I want to celebrate my kids. I want to tell them how blessed and inexplicably grateful and FULL I am that I get to be their mom. They don’t have to take me anywhere special, buy me something new, or anything. As long as they know I am here for them, I am happy.
That being said, my husband wants me to feel so special on this day because he knows how incredibly thankful I am that he chose me to be his kids' stepmom. He trusted me not only with HIS heart but two little hearts that had already been broken. Words cannot express what this means to me. He goes out of his way to encourage the girls to get me something special and he usually gets me something himself to express his appreciation of me. His gifts are special, but just the fact that he sees me as a mom, is the most beautiful gift he could give. He gave me the two reasons I am a mom. That is the gift. I know it sounds cliche, but it’s true.
So that takes care of my idea of Mother’s Day for myself, but what about for my mom? My grandma? My mother-in-law? Well, like most I assume, there is a sense of obligation to do something super special, better than your siblings and better than your in-laws. But I don’t want to give my mom a gift or take her out for lunch or dinner because I NEED to because it’s Mother’s Day and I am supposed to. I just want her to know I appreciate her as a mom and I love her. I am lucky though because I get to see my mom frequently. Our families cross paths a lot and we talk almost every day in some way. We go to lunch and dinner quite a bit. Is it possible that what I expressed as my heart for this day is my mom’s heart too? Is her satisfaction in being a mom just knowing that she is there when we need her? Is her gift getting to watch me be a mother to my own children who she now gets to spoil? Again, I am doing things differently. This year, I am not trying to outdo my siblings, plan an extravagant dinner or anything. I made her something. That is it. We went to my daughter’s track meet and we let mom pick where to eat. Then, she is going to see her mother in law with my dad. My mom’s mother passed away recently. So it’s not a fun day for her. The best thing I can give my mom today is to be there for her. Encourage her to go see her mother in law and be there if the day gets hard.
I know my mom would love nothing more than for all of her kids to be at her house today but that can’t really happen since one of us lives in Alabama. We are all married with kids so we each have our own Mother’s Day festivities with our kids and inlaws as well. Plus in all reality, I can’t make that happen. So why put this unspoken, unrealistic expectation on myself? It is a part of life. My grandma will receive a call from me. We will chat for a bit but I won’t take away time from her kids who will be visiting her. I leave my husband in charge of celebrating his mom. I will go see her, talk and laugh at her stories, let the kids run around and play. But I will leave room for my husband to express whatever he needs to however he needs to. His mom doesn’t want me to do it for him, she wants something from HIM so I have to take a step back and let that happen.
As I get older and have more experience in being a mom, I realize, my kids celebrate me every day. They wake up and expect me to be there because they trust that I will be there. They expect dinner because they are hungry and know I will have food on the table. They text and call me with questions and stories. They tell me good morning and goodnight. They tell me they love me even on the bad days. They give me hugs. They tease and laugh at me. They make me better. They throw fits, get angry, and don’t like me every day. That is being a mom. They are acting like a child with their mom. Their actions, good and bad, are ever expressing their hearts towards me. It is hard to imagine not having them in my life. They make me want to do better. They make me want to change. They show me true love. Especially in our circumstance. They CHOSE to love me.
I understand that some mothers and daughters don’t speak and their relationships are unhealthy but most of the time, a biological mother daughter relationship has a love that doesn’t have to be chosen or earned. It just is. It’s hard to NOT love your mom. But in my case, it’s hard to love another woman as a mom in your life. It is a choice. Talk about overwhelming. To look at these two girls, to see how they navigate life in their experience of blended homes, and to realize that for some reason, they have chosen to accept me as a mother to them. Not taking the place of a biological mother, but creating a space in their heart to love me too. What an honor and responsibility. I hope one day my daughter’s can look back and see how significant it was for them to open their hearts to me. To share their home with me. To see that first and foremost, I love their father so much. But I didn’t just get married to be a wife, I wanted them too. I loved them too. I also hope they look back and see that I understand why they didn’t trust me at first, why they pushed me away. That I was never angry at them for that and won’t be angry if it happens again. That my heart is full simply because they expect me to be there.
I really struggle with the idea of them calling me mom and I am very sensitive to how I introduce myself in the presence of my kids. It is SUCH a touchy subject. If I call myself their mom, it could make them feel pressured to call me mom and make them struggle with loyalties to their biological mom. I don’t want that. If I call myself step mom, that could make them feel alienated as though I don’t really want to claim them as special in my life. We have had talks about this and went back and forth on what they felt comfortable with. Mother’s day though, brings that same confusion. I don’t want to place an obligation on them that since I am their stepmother they have to celebrate me but then I don’t want to brush it off and make them feel like I don’t want them to celebrate me as their mom. Step parenting is HARD. However hard it is, I am truly blessed with two girls who are very honest with me. They let me know how they are feeling with these situations and are very understanding of my feelings in it as well. They are simply great.
I am excited to celebrate them today on this Mother’s Day that I only have because they CHOSE me. How will you celebrate your kids today, mommas? How will you celebrate your mother, grandmother, and mother in law? Be joyful today. Consider doing things differently. Remember how amazing you are. How incredibly priceless your role is in a family and in communities. Happy Mother’s Day lovely ladies.