This is Hard 11-26-2016

This is hard. I have learned that when something is hard, it’s more than just not easy. It’s overwhelming, pushy, difficult, not fun, and so on. The actual definition of hard, given by google, to be solid, firm or rigid. Not easily broken, bent, or pierced. It can also mean done with a great deal of strength. The Marriam-Webster gives physically, or mentally difficult. Not easy. Difficult to experience; having a lot of pain, trouble or worries. Keep all of that in mind while reading.

I have been in Haiti for almost three months, with a 7 day trip back in the states right in the middle. I still have one month before visiting again. This is hard. But rather than just focusing on a general “this” I want to take a moment to explain what is actually hard. Sometimes we are given this misconception that since we were called to it, it won’t be hard. I mean surely if God has made the path so clear, it has to go smoothly, right? WRONG. Nothing about this is easy. What would be easy would be to simply pack up, leave my supplies, pay the fee for changing my flights and only come back to Haiti to visit and deliver the supplies people have given. That would be easy. Especially since that option would mean, no more ants crawling over everything and in everything, no more drinking water from 5 gallon jug instead of from a sink. No more cooking on a one burner stove top, no more having to use a freezer for everything because there’s not enough electricity for a fridge. No more having to shower, do the dishes, clean, cook and read with a flashlight. No more having to simply hope for power for a fan or to charge electronics. No more manifestations, shootings, protests, violence and storms. It would be easy to say, “Okay God I will help with children’s schooling, and supplies but only teach a few times a year there. That’s still doing your will for my life, right?” Yes and No. I’d still be doing and giving but only the bare minimum. As far as I can remember, God has never said, just give me a small amount of effort. Just enough to get by and I will do the hard stuff. No. He wants us to give more than what we have, more than what we can do because even in doing this, it’s not enough. That may sound discouraging but it’s this thought alone that has gotten me through this far.

Most of you don’t know that the first month I was here, I battled greatly with fear. Not fear of safety, not fear of being alone but a fear of failing. I spent a lot of time on my knees drenched in tears begging God to show me that I wasn’t making a mistake by being here. It got so bad that the easy escape route mentioned above, was discussed and thought out with my family. I cannot express the amount of conflict and distress I was going through. It was hard. Questions flooded my mind such as: was this just a test? Did God want to see if I was willing to give up my job, family, friends, relationship, and church for Him then, if I was obedient come home and begin a new dream? Was I like Abraham, who was asked to do the unthinkable to test his faith? Very real thoughts for me. Or, was I overthinking? Was this just Satan is attacking because I did what I was supposed to do so he is using the very thing I struggle so fiercely to overcome, fear of failure. God became very evident to me in those days and thoughts when I was defeated, broken, and scared. I searched for Him in every possible thing, the rain, the sun, His word, prayer. Searching for an answer. But what He gave me was peace. No answer, just peace. I didn’t understand how I could be so calm and have this peace with these gripping and agonizing thoughts torturing me, but I did. I realized that more I was attacked by these thoughts, the more I was on my knees. Where I needed to be.

I began to evaluate exactly what I have been doing. I have been visiting with the kids, letting them teach me creole and practicing English. I have been having class every morning from 9-11 teaching about four students an English lesson. In the afternoons, for about an hour and a half, I work with the children, practicing vocabulary, reading them bible stories, and teaching them songs. These lessons were only happening about two or three times a week due to school work. During the time I wasn’t teaching, I was reading, crocheting, or doing some other form of ‘work’ to pass the time. Was I doing enough? I have so much down time. I was going to church every night, not understanding a single word. But I had to get out. I had to leave the walls. I was eventually given an answered prayer when an American showed up to spend two weeks here. We even had the same flight home in October. I wasn’t alone now. I had someone to understand. Or so I thought. What I ended up learning from this was just because I could understand their language didn’t mean we understood one another’s purpose in being here. Yet another hardship.

When I returned home for my short visit, I didn’t speak about Haiti much. I know that was God protecting my thoughts. My short time flew by and I headed back. This time with two new friends to see an old friend. This was a much needed ‘break’ with someone who would understand my doubts. The three weeks I spent with Ellen in Arcahiea encouraged me so much. I taught English lessons three days a week for two hours to a large class. I practiced English with two of her girls and just spent time enjoying Haiti with my friends. We laughed, we cried, we discussed similar feelings and different feelings. I learned a lot and was very grateful to have all three of them at this time. When it was time to go home, the two girls came with me. I also needed this. To have good friends who were encouraging spend a few days at my place with my Haiti family, seeing what I was doing and even what I wasn’t. So far, no more sadness and fears. During my time with my three wonderful friends, I had my first two children to sponsor. God was amazing at making that happen within the hour. The joy I felt in realizing that God chose to use me in that situation and accomplish a step in this dream He gave me, was indescribable. When I returned to my house, I spoke with Ricado a lot about what I should be doing or what more I could do and he was very encouraging telling me that I am doing plenty. Just being here and speaking with them is more than enough. I tried to believe him. Trust me I did.  Unfortunately, once again I began to battle if I was really doing any good here.

The original plan in coming was to teach in the schools that were run by the bishop who also runs the orphanage where I live. That was the plan. Teach a couple hours in the morning at one school, then teach another couple hours in a different. That hasn’t happened and when discussed, it goes nowhere! I explained that with that plan, I felt like I would be doing more but now I feel like I am doing a lot of personal work stuff. My teaching schedule is M-F 9-11. Two hours each day, five days a week. This class is for the young people who are not in school and do not have jobs. Then in the afternoons, I try to teach the children. TRY. We have attempted to set up a schedule but it does not work. They get home from school between 12:30 and 1. There is not a clear schedule for them after school. Sometimes they eat as soon as they get home, other times they won’t eat until 3 or 4. Three days a week one of the older boys works on their school work with them for an hour then have to study. This schedule also depends on his school schedule and church schedule. On these days, I do not have time to teach before it gets dark. So, I must wait and see each day if they are going to have a lesson with the older boy, if they do, I do not teach, if they don’t, I teach. It’s very spread out and HARD. When I do get to teach them, it’s for about an hour or hour and a half. Some days I just read them a bible story. They don’t understand and I can’t interpret but they love to just sit and listen. Other days I teach them a song. We use the songs as practice for pronunciation. Then other days, we do an actual English lesson.

My purpose in sharing this with you is to be very clear on why I struggle with the feelings of not doing enough. I try to spend some time with the children just speaking and playing too. This is honestly probably better practice than a lesson. My fears and doubts were coming from the plan to be teaching in multiple schools a day to having a small class in the mornings and occasionally getting to teach children in the afternoon. That’s a big difference. I found myself spending a lot of time by myself. Sometimes that was good. We all need some time to do our own thing and reflect. But how much is okay before it just becomes being lazy? I also started to teach crochet thanks to the wonderful idea from one of my friends. This would last about 2 hours every evening. We would crochet after their homework lesson and until we got tired or until it got too dark and there was no power. This helped me feel a little more productive. Because the feelings of failing and wasting time were getting heavy again, I began to be more diligent in my prayers. Praying for an opportunity that would show I was still where I was meant to be. I sat down and talked to Ricado about a schedule again but this time, he had more to say…

He told me he was opening up an English School and would like me to be the English teacher. Can you say WOW? What an opportunity?! This school will operate Monday through Saturday. The schedule is not finalized but I will either be teaching two hours each day in the mornings or two hours in the morning and two hours in the evening. He said I could choose since I was the teacher. Ha! I took this opportunity to tell him I want to teach as much as possible. Structure. Then as far as teaching the children, it would just be whenever I could. He even had it lined out so that when I go to visit Ellen or visit my family, they have a backup teacher. I was overwhelmed with the news. Even to the point of tears. God is so good. Plus, Ellen had given me the information about another little girl who needed help going to school. God began pouring out blessing after blessing being ever faithful. Also, my class in the morning has grown from three to about 10 regulars. Some stick around after class to practice speaking with just me. Also, after all of that, I have been able to have class with the children three days a week doing various things, not always just teaching and I still crochet with the older girls. I am starting to feel better about being here. On Saturday and Sundays I stay inside mostly. On Saturdays, I do a lot of cleaning, find lessons to teach for the upcoming week, journal and reflect on the past week to see what I could change, what was good, and so on. Sundays are different now that I found an English speaking church. After our study, we eat and fellowship getting me back to my house around 3 or 4. The children are already preparing for evening church at this time and it is beginning to get dark, so I usually come inside, study my notes from the discussion and listen to a sermon online. It’s a nice refreshing time.

So, is this hard? YES. Have I debated giving up and going home? YES… Have I been bent, broken, and attacked? YES. But, God is showing me that to be strong, you have to be broken. Letting yourself break does not mean giving up. When I allowed myself to break and seek God in my hardship, express to Him in all honesty how hard this was and how inadequate I felt, I was actually allowing Him to be my strength, be my guide, and be my vision. When I broke, I gave up on myself, which was probably the greatest moment I’ve had. Ever. I will rejoice in my down time and be thankful, this is just time that God has given me to reflect on Him and spend with Him. I realized that in the past, I had complained so much about not having time, being so busy and not feeling rested. Now, God has given me time each day to dedicate to Him. All while still doing His work. Each day I get to teach English and love these kids, but more importantly, I have quiet, alone time to read and be with my savior. God is good.

I still have a dream to begin a ministry to send kids to school and I believe God will make a way for this. He is already preparing the way by allowing me to help with the first three children. Also, after talking with Ricado, God put it on my heart to help 10 students attend English class and 10 Students on the mountain. This is my start. God is in control. I had been so overwhelmed with the idea that I was not a nonprofit yet, that I wasn’t allowing God to show the need. By setting a goal and allowing God to move in the hearts and lives of the ones who will help support, I don’t need the ‘status,’ just the faith. I don’t know what the future holds for me in Haiti but I do know that each day I will wake up, spend quiet time with Christ, teach, reflect, love on the kids, then worship God for the great day. As an opportunity arises, I will help those in need with schooling. I don’t know if I will always live in Haiti or if I will ever live in the states again. All I can do is go when He says go and stay when He says stay. Everything else will work out by the power of Christ. Sometimes hard, means blessing. All of the things that I listed earlier that would no longer be happening, things like the ants, violence, lack of electricity and so on… are all very minor in comparison to losing the blessing of being here. None of those things hinder my relationship with Christ. I am healthy, safe, and have more than enough to continue this journey. Christ even explains in His word not worry about what to wear or what to eat. He will take care of it and already has. Matthew 6:25 “that is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life- whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food and your body more than clothing?” He also says not to fear losing this life because of the life we have awaiting us in eternity as believers. Philippians 1:21-23 “For to me, living means living for Christ and dying is even better. I’m torn between two desires; I long to go and be with Christ, which would be far better for me.” His word also addresses the struggle. The hardships. Philippians 1:29-30 “For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Christ but also the privilege of suffering for Him. We are in this struggle together…” THE PRIVILEGE of suffering. I will rejoice when this gets hard. This is where I find myself on my knees, and partaking in the suffering with Christ.

The purpose of this is not to discourage or gain pity, it is to be real. Another purpose was to ask for prayer for guidance and opportunities. I don’t want to waste even a single moment. If I have free time, a lot of it, I want to use it wisely. Even if that just simply means sitting in the quiet worshipping. I also want to encourage you. Get on your knees. If you’re already there, Satan can’t knock you down. And trust me, starting on your knees, makes your stand indescribably stronger.

Thank you for praying and supporting me. Your obedience to Christ in this is such a blessing. God Bless. See you soon!