Surrender to Favor

A few months ago God was pressing the idea of waiting on my heart. "Be still Brittany. There's nothing to do right now other than just be with Me." Those were the words I was hearing from God. I didn't get it. He had revealed this huge life change that I CANNOT do without Him and now He just wants me to wait? Honestly I was upset and frustrated. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to get started right away. But, not long after God continued to press this on me, a scripture from Psalm seemed to play constantly in my mind. "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your hearts desires," Psalm 37:4. I've had this verse committed to memory for some time before now but it hit me differently. What was my desire now? Had I started desiring Haiti more than I desired to know Christ and pursue Him? Hmmmm... So my prayers changed. I wanted to have more of Jesus. More understanding. This was scary.

As I began to pray for God to reveal Himself to me and through me, I learned things about myself I didn't really like. I realized I had a lot of things I needed to change, well, I needed to let God transform rather. Once I began seeing Christ in new ways, I also learned some passions I had that I had never pursued or cultivated simply because I didn't have my eyes on Christ to see them. Sometimes I feel as though people read that verse and think oh well if I pray and read the Bible then God will send me a husband or job because that is what I desire. Maybe those are your true desires but... the important part of that verse is actually the part we are responsible for, take delight in the Lord. Pursue Him. By doing this, your desires will change naturally and those desires become fulfilled in the most miraculous of ways. This is where I'd like to begin a bit of a story:

I have 5 days left of the job that I find comfort and joy in. 5 days left in the school district that I absolutely adore. 5 days left to basically tear down and clean out what I spent 4 years preparing for. 5 days left. The extent of the emotions I am feeling is crazy. I am scared, excited, anxious, happy, sad, concerned, and overwhelmed. About a month ago, I finally quit trying to keep the "yeah I am all smiles about this, absolutely no worries" face on and broke down with Jesus. I finally allowed myself to express my fears, sadness, and confusion. I don't know exactly why but I felt like if I just kept telling myself I was selfish for being scared, sad and confused, I wouldn't feel those emotions anymore... well it didn't work. When I finally let it out, I realized I had more on my heart than I realized and God just wanted me to bring it to Him. Here is what I shared with Him:

I'm afraid. I'm afraid of losing friends, losing relationships, disappointing my family by not being here, letting down community members who knew me from school, and not having a clue what to do when I get to Haiti. I'm sad. Sad that a great relationship started a few months before I leave, sad that I won't get to go on mine and my dad's annual Six Flags trip, not see a Cardinals game, miss my brother's senior year. These are the ones I felt selfish for... then I'm confused. Why did this amazing opportunity come up right when I am leaving? Why am I being pushed out of other things that are important to me before I am even gone?

I am just being real. I have not doubted this calling or decision even slightly but these questions and fears are real. After letting all of this out in prayer and tears, I was overwhelmed with Peace. God reminded me that I am not perfect. HE is all knowing, NOT me, so I will be confused. I can't see what is coming next and He knew I would fear that's why He tells us over 300 times in scripture not to fear. He revealed to me that HE is my joy. Not those things I listed. He was wanting me to seek Him once again. This "come to Jesus" moment was about a month ago. Some things have happened since then that show God's incredible favor on our lives.

I made some pretty specific requests that concerned me about moving to Haiti, all of which I knew did not mean anything in the big picture regarding the Kingdom Of God. I had quit worrying about moving forward and started enjoying this waiting period with Christ. This waiting period brought about such a peace, that I didn't think about my sadness, fears, and confusion. They were gone until... I was listening to the radio and decided to partake in the contest. I ended up getting to play and... WON! What did I win? Two Six Flags tickets. Can you say overwhelmed?! I couldn't help but look to the sky and say yeah yeah I get it. But God's humor and favor in the little things didn't end there. This same radio station has an opportunity to vote every so often on the songs they play to make sure they play songs people are still enjoying. I do the surveys each time they send one. I like this station a lot. They talk about Jesus. I received an e-mail stating I had won two Cardinals tickets in a random drawing from the people who participate. WHAT?! Six Flags AND Cardinals tickets. Our little things, our little desires that have nothing to do with our calling matter to God. He cares about those things. Now I understand that all my little things may not come to be as these did but He has made it impossible to doubt. I had no control in this, I had to give up the control and He was simply faithful. Wow. Even still I am blown away with it. Psalm 37:23 "The Lord directs the steps of the Godly. He delights in every detail of their lives." So, I delight in Him and learn my desires that He grants. By Him granting those desires and my pursuing Him, He is directing my steps. When we are on track with His will, pursuing and delighting in Him, He DELIGHTS in us. EVERY PART OF US. God is so good!

This is by no means an "everything is perfect" post because things are still extremely rough. Pressure at work is hard. Pressure from friends is hard. Not everything is going right by any means but seeing how God took my specific concerns that I voiced to Him and had them come to pass, is just another way He is showing me that He is sovereign.

I share all of this to put out a challenge, one that I will be partaking in as well. What is something you've been asking God for that hasn't happened yet? What could you possibly be trying to make happen that God has revealed rather that allowing God to make it happen? Or maybe He has given you the opportunity to move and it's your time to go. Whatever it may be I challenge you to change your prayer to asking God to reveal more of Himself to you. Allow Him to teach you your true desires by pursuing Him. Lay those other desires down and see what God has in store for you. Sometimes we don't see the bigger blessings He wants to give because we don't surrender to Him the little passions we currently have. I challenge you to Surrender to Favor.