Which One Are You?
Take a trip with me. Imagine you're collapsed on the floor, empty, dirty, exposed, and alone. Yet, you're surrounded by people. People who hold weight in your life one way or another. Good and bad. It's that guy who stole your innocence. The guy you gave your heart to and never really got back. It's that lady you look up to. It's your parents. Your friends. All looking down on you in your brokenness. Then you hear the words, “you're not good enough. You are dirty, not beautiful, worthless. You're weak. You're guilty and alone.” All coming from the mouths of these people. Then you hear a voice that's way to familiar. You get the courage to look up and see the voice behind the lies. The voice telling these words to the people around you. It's you.
This is what I feel goes on in my head most days. Anytime insecurities creep in, this is the image. I see myself feeding lies to the people around me about me. Then they use those words against me and it destroys me. Fear is a liar. Expectations are toxic. Recently God has opened an incredible door to go back to Haiti for one year. The details are still in the works but God has confirmed. This is AMAZING. Not only that, I get to do what I love to do every day. Teach. Each day here in the states I get to love on kids and teach them all in preparation to teach and love on kids in Haiti. Another huge blessing. The financial need for this journey is being met in miraculous and indescribable ways. So many things to be grateful for yet, I became emotionally destroyed by a lie that I have fed myself. That I'm forgotten and not enough for someone that is truly incredible. That I am disposable, a convenience, not a 'good' or 'desirable' thing. The worst part is, I KNOW that's not true and I still become devastated by it!
How do we believe things we know? Why is it sometimes difficult to believe? I know I am wanted and loved. I know I am chosen and worthy. I know. But, one misconception, one misunderstanding or assumption, and I am back to being that girl collapsed on the floor we envisioned earlier. WHY?? It's so frustrating. It makes me want to take a paddle and beat myself, yelling, “Snap out of it! You know better. Gosh get a grip!”
I have been dealing with these thoughts for quite some time. It seemed to increase in prominence here recently when circumstances took me away from what I believed to be a great thing. Now, it's as though the memories are toxic rather than joyous and no one is to blame but myself. Through all of this, God never stopped speaking to me. I turned to a book called, “The Life You've Always Wanted.” I don't think of it as a coincidence to have been on the chapter I was in the middle of all of this. It was a section dedicated to an addiction. Not a typical one. But one that I believe we all have or are suffering from now. Attention Addict. I am an attention addict. Not the type that thinks higher of themselves than of others, but one who only finds validation by the attention they get from others. Attention is my addiction and Comparison is my drug. Comparison is what fuels the emotions and feelings of attention. I compare everything I do to someone else. It's frightening. It's exhausting. It's toxic. The worst part is... I KNOW I don't need to compare myself. I KNOW that God doesn't measure me up next to anyone else. I KNOW. Yet, comparison debilitates me.
These past few months I have dealt with doubt. Not knowing about Haiti. If I was still good enough to go. To be used. I felt like God was done with me there and it was time for me to find something more in my skill set. LIES. It wasn't until I read that chapter on attention addiction that I understood the root of the issue. I was only doubting because I was comparing myself to others in the mission field. I was comparing myself to my siblings. I was comparing myself to who I perceive myself to be, not who I am meant to be. Don't worry, those doubts are now gone.
Regarding Haiti, I have peace, confirmation, and intention. I see where I fit and I am excited to begin. So excited. Regarding other aspects of life, I am still struggling fighting the thoughts and lies. People are not trustworthy. We falter on promises. We let people down. We disappoint. But, something in me still wants to trust, believe, and submit to people. I want to believe that not everyone is like this. I want to believe someone will prove that wrong. Which leads to some heartache and pain. Unfortunately, that pain doesn't come from the act itself, it comes from the thoughts that were brought about because of the act. That might be confusing. Here's an example. You meet a new person. You slowly begin to get to know them being cautious but really desiring a good bond. You become friends and begin sharing secrets and confiding in one another, only strengthening your friendship. Then, you or your friend, hit an all time low. Bad news. Unfortunate circumstances. So the other of the two immediately goes to their side. They listen, offer encouragement, give time. Finally the one in the slump snaps out of it and moves forward only, they decide to leave the other behind. It's time to move on. Now, one of the friends is left let down, disappointed. Not necessarily meaning it's anyone's fault, it's just life. Some people, because of situations like these, decide not to confide and trust every again. Leaving them alone. Leaving them believing they are better off alone than around people that will hurt them. Others, try relentlessly to be enough for people so that maybe, just maybe, they'll finally be enough for someone to stay. Which one are you?
I know which one I am. I also know what I need to do to balance it out but I can't seem to get it right. I can't seem to find the strength and will power to overcome those thoughts. But why??
Romans 7:18 “For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For the desire to do what is good in with me, but there is no ability to do it.”
I have another thought on this. After being rejected so many times, like I mentioned before, you either decide to no longer trust or take the blame for it all. Deeming yourself unworthy of a real friend. This was me. I took the blame. The moment I realized what I was dealing with in my own mind, God spoke to me.
He told me to pick up my stones. Now, at first I thought He was referring to the kind of stones we pick up due to our hurt that we cast at others to reveal their sin and make ourselves feel better but then He showed me a different picture. It was of me, giving my stones to others to throw at me, as well as me throwing them at myself. This broke me. As I wept before the Lord, He told me to cast my stones on Him. I went and found some rocks, wrote down my doubts, defects, and concerns and cast them in to the ocean. Where they will remain. Not only physically, but spiritually. Shortly after this, I experienced some pain brought on by someone close to me. Not intentional pain but pain nonetheless. I began to sink back down in my “addiction” thinking I had failed. I then came across a picture that said something like this: “I can't help but wonder how sad it makes God to hear me talk negatively about myself. Saying I'm worthless and ugly. Saying no one cares about me or wants me. While He looks down on me and says 'But I worked so hard on you...'” Can you imagine? That's intense. My perspective began to change.
It wasn't long after seeing this I came across another saying that said, “Maybe God hasn't led you to the one because He's not ready to share you yet.” I know this is talking about dating and marriage but God allowed me to see it as more than that. Maybe that's why He hasn't let me get super close to new friends. Maybe that's why I haven't made more connections at church. Maybe that is in fact why I feel the need to NOT DATE. Because He's simply not ready to share me. I don't know about you, but that brings a smile to my face. That He wants me all to Himself. And He'll never change His mind about that.
Numbers 23:19 “God is not man, that he might lie, or a son of man, that he might change his mind. Does He speak and not act or promise and not fulfill? “
I guess I am writing all this because...
I felt it necessary to be vulnerable and transparent about what I have experienced and am battling.
Sometimes loneliness is God's way of getting your attention and full affection.
You are not alone with battling comparison. Everyone does it. We know the truth. We CAN and WILL believe it.
Guard your heart. Protect your emotions. Emotions are toxic. Feelings are temporary.
I want you and me to CLAIM our thoughts. CLAIM our worth. CLAIM our importance.
FEAR IS A LIAR.
James 4:7-8,10 “Therefore, submit to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, sinners, and purify your hearts you double-minded. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.”
Proverbs 4:23 “Guard your heart above all else for it determines the course of your life.”
Now imagine, you're on your knees in awe. Gazing up at The Lord Jesus who has His arms open wide, smiling down on you, standing in front of all the people and lies you used to believe. But you don't see them, you only see Christ. The version of you just pictured, is the you God created you to be. The you are meant to be. Be that.