It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not understand. It's okay to cry. It's okay.
It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to not understand. It's okay to cry. It's okay.
This post may be a difficult one to read. It is not intended to scare or insist on pity. This post is to make aware the reality of some situations. It will also reveal some details of my personal walk with Christ.
From the beginning of this journey I have often said, “God doesn't call us to be safe.” I believe this 100%. Not even a hint of doubt in that. I firmly believe that if you are not doing something that makes you uncomfortable, you're not doing enough. Many times though I put the emphasis of safety and comfort more on the mind and thought process rather than the physical. Haiti has been scary from the start. Quitting my job, losing friends, ending relationships, leaving my family, and living in less than desirable conditions. Most of those things are feelings and a state of mind. Haiti has brought some physical fear too. Tensions and aggression toward Americans, hurricanes, flooding, sickness, and heat. Over the past few months, the physical fear and risk have become more prominent.
Haiti is not safe. Unfortunately, it is becoming less and less safe for Americans, especially single American women. The Department of Safety, the embassy, has released a statement addressing the concern for safety. In this statement, the town in which I live was mentioned specifically as an area of unrest and heightened danger. They have encouraged a curfew of sundown and encouraged foreigners not to be out walking even in the daylight. The reason for this stems from the growing number of robberies, rapes, kidnappings, and murders of foreigners. They made it clear they can not confirm foreigners are being targeted but the numbers are rising. Again, please know I am not sharing this to strike any sort of fear, simply to raise awareness and ask for prayer.
I fully believe in the protection of Christ especially when it involves following His guidance and Will. Where I am afraid people get confused and misled is thinking that if someone is in God's Will, they won't get hurt. That's not necessarily true. At least I don't believe so. You are safest in God's Will yes, but that does not mean bad things won't or can't happen. It means He will be glorified in any circumstances. God does not intend for evil to happen to us but because evil is in the world, it happens.
Now to get personal, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared or worried. I'd also be lying if I said I hadn't thought about whether or not God wants me to continue going to Haiti with these situations rising and growing in severity. There are so many things in my life right now telling me to give up. To quit. That I am not worth it. I can't do this. It's too dangerous, it's too hard, you're too weak, you're too positive, you're not really doing anything, you're alone, no one wants to hear what you have to say. All of these thoughts have been spoken to me. Some even by people that I believe truly care about me. It is easy to feel defeated and honestly, I have felt that often in the past couple months.
What this forced me to focus on were the promises I know God has given me. He showed me a future relationship. He showed me a ministry for children in the church. He showed me a ministry for adults in the church. He showed me a program for children in the school. I've seen it. I've experienced it. Yet, that relationship hasn't been successful. My first few attempts at reaching out to churches to discuss this dream have failed. But in the midst of the failures in these things, God has placed an opportunity to put the children's ministry into action this year. He also provided an unexpected opportunity to present my adult ministry with the youth group. He also opened a door for me to begin working with schools. What I am learning about God's promises is sometimes that promise requires obedience from other people too. Sometimes when the promise seems to have failed or not been fulfilled, I have to remember that just because the promise wasn't fulfilled how I saw it would be, doesn't mean it wasn't fulfilled. I may never even really see how it was fulfilled, I just have to trust that it was or is being fulfilled for His glory, not for my comfort. I don't have to understand.
Sometimes, the promise changes. Not because of anything I did or didn't do but because someone else involved wasn't obedient. This revelation has really convicted me. How many times have I not been obedient in a specific word God has given me? How did that effect people around me? How has my disobedience, doubt and lack of faith effected other peoples promises? God's will will inevitably be done but, I do believe disobedience and distractions can cause the promise and the way in which it is fulfilled to change. It's very easy to be deceived into thinking God broke His promise. I know because I am currently fighting that.
One of the purposes of this post is to encourage anyone who may be struggling. It's okay to not be okay. I got my encouragement in this by reading Paul's writings. If he was struggling, he said it. If he was angry, he said it. Even David, he presented every emotion to God. It was usually through the transparency of their hearts that God spoke the most wisdom. Sometimes the peace comes in a way we don't want it. God doesn't expect us to hide our fears and doubts from Him, we couldn't if we wanted to, so why do we make it so hard to be transparent and honest? We should not expect people of any status or position to be strong and happy and always on top. We all know, joy is a choice on many occasions. Sometimes, we don't have any strength. If you're struggling, as I am, please know it's okay. You don't have to pretend like you have it all together and only have blessings to discuss.
I have begun to realize that portraying a perfect or worry free life can hurt the people we mean to help. As I mentioned before, the stories and accounts in the Bible were real. How many times have you learned of a struggle that someone iconic had and began to respect and understand them more? I am also learning, peace is not understanding. Understanding is not peace. Understanding is finding and knowing the reason. Peace, is just peace. Seeing what is. With the promises that seem to be failing, the situations that seem impossible, and the overwhelming feeling of failure, I was praying for peace. Well, I thought I was, I was actually praying for understanding. I see now why I haven't yet felt peace with this circumstances, because I was expecting to understand and know. I missed the peace. The moment God revealed this to me was beautiful.
I was at church camp. I had been following a camper home to make sure she made it safely. While in town I got all the messages and calls I had missed while at camp. One in particular struck the most intense fear, doubt, anger, and shame I have felt in a long time. Satan quickly began to attack me saying it was my fault, I did this, I began to question whether or not I was even hearing God's voice because this situation directly involved one of the promises in a very negative way. I questioned my faith, I feared for them, for me. I was afraid to pray because I didn't know what I had done wrong and why it seemed like I was causing so much wrong and bad. When I made it to camp I grabbed my closest friends, my family, and we began to pray. When we finished praying I had peace, but I didn't recognize it because I was looking for understanding. The next day our pastor encouraged us to listen. Listen for God. Call the Holy Spirit to come and fill us. So I did. I wrote down what I heard and one of the things were, peace in not understanding. You don't need to understand to know peace. Understanding is NOT the opposite of confusion. Peace is. I was amazed and relieved. My guilt and shame melted off of me and I finally feel as though I found peace. More like peace found me.
With this revelation, I can confidently say, I don't know. I don't know what these promises hold. I don't know if they have changed or are still in tact. I don't know what the future holds for Haiti, whether I continue living here or just visit. I don't know if I will be doing this mission by myself, with a friend, with a couple, or with a husband. I don't know. What I do know, God is moving. I have crazy opportunities only God could have created. I know I am not alone. I know God knows. I know He hears me. I know He wants me. I know He chose me. I know I will prosper. I know I will do good. I know He loves me. I know He will show me each step as I need to take it. I know I don't have to see the big picture or the steps to come. I know I only need to take the next one. These things I know.
This trip in Haiti is the beginning of big changes and big movements. I will get to work on the island, make new connections, teach, encourage, strengthen friendships, and learn. When I return I will get to begin the next chapter and do a kids mission trip. I will be traveling to churches to discuss missions. I will be speaking in the schools about education, serving, and opportunities. These things are my focus. Taking each step in obedience, knowing that if I do stray off course, God is waiting to guide me back on.
The scripture I have found to be the most encouraging that God has managed to place in front of me on many occasions, is Ephesians 5:10 “Carefully determine what pleases the Lord.” Simple but so powerful. All this time I was asking to understand and His response, carefully choose what pleases Him.
I would like to encourage you to:
Ask yourself if what you're doing for the Lord scares you? If not, pray bigger. Pray scarier. Then prepare.
Look at the choices you have to make in the near future, CAREFULLY decide if your choices please the Lord.
Become transparent first with yourself, then God, then someone you trust. Tell yourself, “It's okay to not be okay.”
Embrace the unknown and accept peace.